You meet a girl and things start to go well. Unfortunately, you find out she's a bit older than you. This makes you worry that she'll ditch you if she finds out your age.
So, you decide to lie to her.
Maybe you believe a lie won't break things up if she falls for you. Maybe you weren't thinking at all..
Regardless, you're in a bad situation and need help getting out.
In the immediate sections below, we'll get into:
Lying about your age can't be sustained forever. If you have doubts about whether you should do it, you need to smack yourself out of it.
The worst thing would be for her to find out on her own.
Lying about your age is a red flag. However, it can be managed if you approach this openly and honestly.
Here's what you should do:
Say "There's something I did that I'm ashamed of. When we met I thought you wouldn't talk to me if you knew the truth- I'm actually only x years old. It was a dumb thing to do, and I regret misleading you."
You don't need to rehearse this 1:1 unless you find it challenging to use your own words. Include your reasoning, but make sure to show your remorse. You're not tricking her with magic words. Just express how you feel guilty about what you did.
It's best to do this in person (or at least a phone call). Don't do it through a text message.
Assuming you deeply regret it, she'll tell by the tone of your voice or body language. A text won't do you any favors. If you just started seeing each other, you can mention how you don't want to start the relationship on the wrong foot.
The truth is that women typically prefer dating guys older than them.
On average in North America, women marry men who are 2.3 years older.
When you pair that with the fact you lied to her, it's pretty easy to assume she'll ghost you.
But don't be too discouraged.
If a girl really likes you, there's no guarantee she won't stop seeing you. Although it depends on the age gap you lied about, you should have a strong enough chance of continuing to see/date her.
Try to view this in her shoes. If you truly like someone, would (an early) lie be enough to dump them?
Make sure to give her space and time to process it.
You can expect her to be a bit cold with you at first. It's essential to not text her or act needy. Show your remorse, state your reasoning, and apologize. Then, solely let her decide what happens next. It's crucial to follow these exact steps.
If things do continue, you'll have to focus on regaining her trust.
The best way forward is to be entirely honest from now on.
This may seem obvious. Yet for many, it can be quite challenging to accomplish. It's something I try to live by, and I believe I've been much better off from it.
If she continues seeing you, her main concern for the relationship will be you lying again. Put this to rest by never being deceitful about anything. She will recognize the effort you're putting in.
It's reasonable to assume that she'll come to accept it. If you're only a year or two younger than what you said, it may not matter that much to her. Either way if she sticks around, you should commit to always being truthful. Otherwise, you may not get another chance.
Before you go and tell her, try not to beat yourself up about it.
It could be true that she wouldn't have started seeing you without the lie happening.
That doesn't make it right or mean you should ever do it again. It's just a possible reality and it's one you took a bet on.
I made this mistake once at 19 with a girl I met in Mexico (she was ~21). We continued chatting online for a bit after heading back home. She found out my real age through people wishing me happy birthday on Facebook (smh).
She lived a dozen hours away, so I knew it wouldn't matter anyway. Still, it stuck with me as a dumb and regrettable thing I did. Changing myself to a life of honesty around women actually made me more comfortable around them.
It helps you connect with people better, too. You're not trying to filter what you "should" say to them. This is something the infamous PUA community struggles with.
Remember that the lie is likely much worse than the age discrepancy.
So, the longer you wait, the worse it will get. Rip off the band-aid and go tell her as soon as you can. Good luck.