Today I'm going to talk about the obsessive, worrying, insecure emotion a guy feels towards a particular woman. It's something I and many others have experienced, and something I wish I at least had Kratom to help stabilize myself from being an emotional wreck.
Oneitis happens when a guy believes the girl in his life is perfect for him, which results in being emotionally invested & heavy attachment.
This generally affects the inexperienced, but can happen to anyone when a hotter than usual girl comes into a guys life.
Oneitis could stem from a bunch of things like:
The main fear of oneitis comes from the thought of the girl leaving you. The guy has full belief that he will not find another girl like her, or have a lot of troubles doing so. He still believes this despite having only been with a handful of women in the past, and without ever trying to improve his appearance or asking many girls out
There are two types of oneitis, Initial and Relationship. Both have a negative impact on your life built up from false beliefs.
Initial Oneitis is an overwhelming obsessive crush you have on a girl.
Sure, crushes can be okay, but this can start when you don’t even know the girl at all.
Some guys end up feeling this with most all girls they date; and every one of their new crushes they believe she’s amazing and truly one of a kind. Most of the time it’s happens within the first few months of dating, but it can even start with just some friend you’ve become infatuated with.
For a lot of guys, this has likely happened to some degree with their first quality relationship. “The first cut’s the deepest”. That’s almost expected with basically no experience – but the issue is that it continues for some guys for most or their entire lives with women.
If you fall for girls easily, you’re going to hit the ground hard.
Overtime with gaining experience you’ll realize a lot of girl will come and go, if you were to become invested in girls too easily and quickly, you’re setting yourself up for an emotional roller coaster of disappointment and breakups.
Relationship oneitis is a dependence on one girl for your needs such as sex & social circle.
You enjoy what she provides for you in your relationship, which is great. But there can be an expectation that she always will. You might not feel the same powerful emotion as Initial Oneitis, but when your relationship with her becomes strained, shit hits the fan.
You realize how much you “need” her and become a controlling emotional wreck trying the get her to stay with you.
When you meet and start dating a really cool girl, it can be awesome. There are a lot of positive emotions that start and continue to build overtime. The issue is that there are also negative feelings that we often just bundle as “normal” for a relationship, and part of the process.
These negative, controlling, obsessive emotions are unhealthy & do not have to be a part of dating. To remove them, you first need to realize it’s largely from…
The dreadful thought of having to “get back out on the market" meeting, dating, and building new relationships is hard work to the guy that’s inexperienced. He believes it will be way too hard to meet anyone new
If you don’t often hang out with friends or people for that matter, she might be your only contact of someone who you enjoy spending time with regularly. People require contact with others. Make a priority to have a life outside of her.
General feeling of just wanting to have a relationship. There’s some belief with guys that they might always be alone if they don’t “lock a girl down” while they’re young. If you despise being single, bouncing from one relationship to the next is not the way to do it. Put significant time with improving yourself and your standards, with the right direction and effort you could have both quantity and quality of women in your life before you know it.
Someone to count on with relating to how you feel. This relates more to your independence as a person. Are you one who relies on your girl to make you feel better? Having emotional support is great, especially when it’s close friends/family that care a lot about your well being.
But the more you depend on with a girl, the more a negative impact a potential breakup can be.
You might be close with her group of friends as well as dependent on that social circle for socializing. There can be a fear of an ended relationship with her is an end to socializing with all her friends.
This is very unattractive and damaging when guys act upon those emotions. If you are aware that this is not a usual part of dating, and that it can be avoided or controlled, you can start to help build solid relationships with women into the future.
The negative emotions drive you to want to do more to protect the relationship (or what you have before the relationship). It’s usually from the thought of her leaving you/being with another guy that brings up your insecure, controlling feelings. Your overprotective actions come from picturing her as a nymph.
These actions (the signs listed), drives the girl away. Ironically, the feelings to keep the girl in the relationship results in being the reason why it ends.
This can happen to both guys and girls, but it’s usually the males who struggle with it the most. Point being why the majority of time guys are the ones who label and enter the relationship, not the girls. And also being why majority of time girls are the ones who first decide to end it.
"But She's Not Like Other Girls!"
I’m not saying your girl isn't one of a kind, but if you haven’t been with a lot of women, can you really confidently say she’s that rare? If you were to spend a bit of time improving your appearance, social freedom, and actually play the numbers game…Do you honestly believe you won’t find anyone better, even though odds are in your favor you will?
Oneitis happens most to inexperienced guys. These inexperienced guys believe their girl is rare…but they don’t have the experience to back that up.
The average guy doesn't approach. He only dates with girls that were made more easily available to him through his social circle or at work. He then is only ever with a small handful of different girls in his life while end up marrying one.
If you only want to find the women of your life and fall in love, your best bet is still go and meet as many as you can.
This average style of life may be just right for some guys, that’s totally fine and up to you. If you do find a girl that you really like, or already have been for awhile that’s cool. Just be aware of what you depend on her for, as well as your real potential if anything were to happen.
Don’t assume you’ll never get a girl like her again; odds are overwhelming you will with some effort and direction.
You need to prove to yourself 100% that you’re able to meet new women fairly quickly and easily. Meaning if you were dumped tomorrow, you can set up a new date within a month, preferably sooner. Start taking advantage of online dating if you're not already.
Realizing those feelings are not healthy is very important - you can’t fix what you don’t know. Don’t accept those feelings as the part of the process of dating. Its one thing to feel these emotions, that’s almost guaranteed to happen relating to your experience. It’s most important to not act on them. Be aware that it’s not a part of a healthy relationship, why it happens, and how to fix it.
Always look for different ways to improve yourself
Oneitis often comes from a girl that’s much more attractive than what you’re used to. If you can make yourself more attractive, gain social freedom and hit the numbers you can meet just as hot or hotter girls than you previously did.
The more you date, the better you become with women -as well as the higher quality and quantity will become available. As time goes on, more meaningful longer term solid relationships can develop. If a break-up happens, you learn from it. You accept it. And you move on.
Don’t make her the center of your life. Think of her more as just along for the ride in your awesome life. This is a topic by itself, and easier said than done to be more passionate about your goal(s) than any girl, but it can have a positive significant impact on your life. Have something you’re always excited about.
For those guys who are really starting making significant progress with dating women, be aware of this happening, as the new inexperienced guys are at the highest risk.
An end to any relationship can suck, but how much it sucks can really varies on how you deal with it, and you’re lifestyle. Your reaction could be:
“Oh well that sucks, but I'll get over it” Or “That’s okay; I’m excited to meet more women”
Instead of the usual…
“Oh no this is going to affect my mood drastically for the next weeks or months”
Or “I’m not going to find another like her”.
I’m not saying blocking out love or anything like that. It’s definitely possible you could date a lot of these girls long term, but the issues are becoming emotionally invested quickly before spending significant time with her. Be aware of these negative powerful emotions, and control them from controlling you.